It has been awhile since my last post, I confess with the guilty heart belonging to a long lapsed Catholic. There are reasons for both failings (for not writing and the gully splitting me from any organized religion), yet a residue of Catholicism chastises me with “there are no excuses.” So I begin by apologizing and sharing the multiple events that have demanded my attention and time.
This has been a winter of discontent. Darkness descended early with cold, starless skies fueled by whining incessant winds. Inside me, a void of restless energy dismayed to finally have to acknowledge life, whether slacking in the doldrums, or pulsing with a thousand wayward demands, can change in the flash of a second.
I do not accept change easily. I fiercely wrestle against it, fighting to keep the status quo. This January a slap of nature let me know my place in this world is simply one among many and that change is inevitable. It began with a break…the snap of my wrist as I fell on ice. For two weeks I was in shock unable to accept the vulnerability of my body, my self….the frustration of the simplest task, such as buttoning a coat, was suddenly impossible. I was indignant. How could this have happened to me?
I lost my self pity when my brother awakened one morning and could not move. Three herniated disks were deeply imbedded into what was diagnosed as a congenitally narrow spinal cord. A slight fender bender could result in him being a quadriplegic. My broken limb withered to a mere annoyance in the wake of this knowledge. With news his surgery was a success, my tears flowed from sheer relief. Now I have learned my beautiful sister-in-law requires a surgical biopsy, which I am confident will be negative, yet reminds me again I cannot control what comes into my life or into the lives of those I love. No one can.
Life is a series of fleeting moments, each one evaporating in a breath. It is how I live in the now that matters…not the yesterday that is gone or the tomorrow that has not happened. I am learning. (Oddly enough, learning comes through change.) While I cannot stop change, or shall I say, bad things from happening…I have the power to manage my reaction to change. I have the power to control how I choose to respond…I have only this moment.